Have you ever wondered if we’re missing it? October 7, 2009

Ive been reading the book Crazy Love off and on for a month now.  The book is incredible at getting you to think about how much God truly loves us and what his sacrifice was for.  Im also trying to apply some of the readings to my own personal life and marriage.  How many sacrifices do we make for our spouses?  Washing the laundry, cooking, cleaning…. are those really sacrifices?  Just as God calls us to a passionate relationship with him our spouse needs a passionate relationship with us.

There is a quote in the book, “When you’re wildly in love with someone, it changes everything.”  The word “wildly” really sticks out to me.   So, as we are on this break from trying to start our family, Im going to focus on becoming wildly in love with my husband again.

Bitterness September 24, 2009

Please be patient with me as I pass through the ugly stage of bitterness.  It can be a long process, so try not to be judgmental.  Pray I will handle my anger in a God-honoring manner and that the Lord will guard my heart against invasive acidity of soul.

There may be times I opt out of family gatherings .  Watching your kids open packages under the tree on Christmas morning, baby dedications, your child’s birthday party – any of these may be too fresh a reminder of the reality that may never be mine.

Please understand that I love each of you and that if I act out its not to hurt you.  My every thought is consumed with the reality that I may never have biological child and as of right now, I dont know how to control it.  Im working each day, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to calm myself and look forward to what God has planned for our family.    Again, please be patient with me.

Hannah’s Hope September 23, 2009

Ive been reading a book called “Hannah’s Hope”. Its about seeking God’s heart in the midst of infertility. It has really opened my eyes to pain of Hannah as she could not bear children. At the end of each chapter, it gives you something to say to people in your life and Im going to start posting them when I get to them to help me express to you what Im feeling and what for you to do and not to do.
Here is the first:

“If you were to eat rotten food, you would soon be on your knees from the abdominal pain of the food poisoning. As I writhe under the cramping of my soul, it is the bitter cup of affliction and the stale bread of adversity that drive me to my knees in anguished prayer. In the midst of pain, my focus may seem terribly self-centered. Please keep praying for me that I may clearly hear God’s still, small voice comforting and guiding me through this process”

I couldnt have said that better! Thanks for your continuing prayers.

What a fun day! September 21, 2009

Sunday’s have to be my favorite day of the week. Church, lunch and thats about it! Yesterday, I spent my day doing laundry, which I detest!, but Jeff was there with me watching football. We had the best time cutting up and doing our household chores. Im reminded how much I love my best friend and as much as I hate laundry, he made it all the better. I cant wait for next Sunday.

Well, Im starting a blog September 17, 2009

Never thought I would be one to start a blog, but here I am.  I need some outlet to voice my frustrations and cry in words.

Most of you that read this know of our struggles with infertility and like hundreds of women, we have yet to have a baby.  After almost 5 years and over $5000, we are tired of doctors and disappointment.   I dont know how to explain the heartbreak of not holding a child that you know you would love with all your heart.  I know they are out there for us, maybe just not for me to birth.

We are praying about adoption now.  Of course that means more heartache and money, but we’ve done it for 5 years so whats a few more?

If anyone hears of someone that finds them self in a situation where they are considering adoption, please pass on our information.